I seriously do ask myself this question often. I really don’t feel I have great patience but it would appear that I do while taking care of my aunt and while at work. Why can’t I have it with my family? Is that a problem that most folks have?
I’ve been told by some people, including an oncologist, that I have such great patience, especially when dealing with my aunt. It made me feel so good that someone important noticed that and told me. I’m sure a lot of it is just from all the years as a caregiver however, I wasn’t always patient with my mom. I feel terrible about that now. Sometimes I feel as though my mom is watching me as I take care of Aunt Lou and sadly or even angerly thinking, “she was never that patient with me. I can’t believe how sweet and thoughtful she is with Lou.”
I know now that I’ve learned a lot about how important patience is and how to achieve it while caring for others who have serious illnesses, dementia, etc. I also feel guilty for not having enough patience with my mom so I’m trying to make up for that with aunt Lou. Some of it might also be due to the resentment I felt towards my mom because she didn’t take care of herself like she should have which resulted with me being her caregiver before I felt I should have had to be – so my resentment got in the way of my patience with her. Whatever the reason is, I should be happy that I finally am at a point that I can have the patience I need to take care of Aunt Lou.
This is not to say I never get irritated or aggravated about this caregiving business. When Aunt Lou consistently moans and groans or repeats the same questions over and over I do find myself having to put ear plugs in or just leave the room until I can get my “patient caregiving groove” back. Sometimes I also get irritated that I’m even serving as Aunt Lou’s primary caregiver. She has three sons, a few grown grandchildren, and even my brother Pat who has been like a son to her most of his life. Pat lives with me and helps with a lot but most things fall on me. Sure, I could just say “Nope, I’m done – not doing this anymore. It’s not my responsibility.” But, I just can’t do it.
So…I’m thinking most of us have more patience with folks outside the family because we feel we have to walk a fine line with them. We don’t know how they’ll respond if we explode on them. We don’t want them to thank negatively about us nor do we want to lose those relationships.That sounds so crazy because I’m saying that it seems natural to be able to blow up on a family member and not worry about losing them or distorting their views of us. I remember a saying, “we’re always biting at the ones we love.” Maybe because we feel comfortable that they won’t leave us and no matter what, they’ll always love us. So…why can’t I be mean to Aunt Lou? Why am I so patient with her? Maybe it’s because I feel sorry for her since it seems her immediate family could care less about her and she and I have always had a special relationship. Whatever the reason, hopefully I can keep it up as her physical and mental health decline.