This time last year my mom had just passed after weeks in the hospital and hospice. I can’t believe I’m going through this again with my aunt, mom’s oldest sister. Aunt Lou has been living with me for five years. She was just recently diagnosed with breast cancer which has spread to her lung and she’s in the beginning stages of dementia. Hospice is now assisting with her care in our home. A nurse comes twice a week, social worker once a month, and a homemaker is coming once a week to help clean aunt Lou’s bedroom, bathroom and wash her clothes. Although we have these few people helping out, it’s still such a difficult and frustrating job to care for her on a daily basis. Not only does she have stage four cancer but she also is suffering from dementia. I’m not sure I have enough patience to get through what’s sure to come with both diseases.
She was doing okay and being her normal self with routine moaning and whining about her ills. That drove me crazy but I got used to it and just kept taking each day as it comes. This all got worse though a few weeks ago. I had been really sick with the flu and not quite recovered when I had to take her to the nuerologist about her dementia. I was exhausted by the time we got home and relieved when I pulled into the driveway thinking I could go in and take a nap. I got Aunt Lou’s walker out and helped her out of the car. Our driveway has a slight incline so I made certain to help her walk up the driveway to the short sidewalk. Once she got that far I went ahead to unlock the door so I could help her in. I turned around and noticed her walker lying sideways on the porch and thought “oh my God!” There is about a six inch step up to the concrete porch. I looked to the other side of the porch and there she was flat on her back, looking delirious and mumbling. It was so scary. I crouched down near her to ask if she was okay. Was she hurt anywhere? She acted like she couldn’t comprehend what I was saying and confused about what was going on. I know you’re not supposed to move someone when they fall, especially elderly folks but it was extremely cold and windy out that day so I had to get her in the house. Of course, no one else was home at the time that could help me. I felt the back of her head to make sure there was no blood and proceeded to pick her up under the arms to get her on her feet. I pretty much moved her feet by prodding her legs and holding on to her to get her inside. Luckily the couch is right inside the door to the left. I got her there and quickly contacted Hospice to find out what I should do. While I was on the phone with them, she began throwing up. The Hospice nurse came to the house to check on her. After checking her out really well, it appeared that she was okay with the exception of the bump on her head. We decided not to take her to the ER since she has terminal cancer and we wouldn’t want to put her through anything drastic when the outcome will just be the same.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I’m possibly being more attentive to her than I was with my mom. On one hand, I feel like I am trying to make up for not being more sensitive to my mom’s needs and on the other I feel sorry for aunt Lou because she basically has no one else. She has three sons who are married and have children who also have children but none of them have anything to do with her. I don’t know what caused them to be this way. Growing up I always thought aunt Lou was so crazy in a funny way and I enjoyed being around her. That is except for when she was being ugly to my grandmother who lived with her for several years. My grandmother was my favorite person in the world so I hated when aunt Lou treated her badly. Now that she’s been living with me for several years and I’m much older and mature, I can see how she could push folks away. But…she’s 92 years old and has stage four cancer and dementia. I love her and not only as her niece but as a human being, I can’t not help her. I resisted being so involved after my mom passed away but as time went by and her health declined so seriously, I felt I needed to step it up. I initially resisted because I was so done with caregiving and the emotional, physical, and mental stress I had been through over the last several years with my mom. I just didn’t think I could do it. Nor did I think I wanted to. Most days I just do it and don’t think about the interruption in my life or the toll it takes on my emotions. Lately though, it’s so much more difficult. Aunt Lou doesn’t do pain or illness. She’s always over exaggerated her pain and sickness. She would moan, groan, and wine all the time. It drove my mom crazy in her last months and it has driven me crazy so much that I feel like I need to drink adult beverages just to get through the evenings with her. Now it’s so much worse. She fell on the porch after we returned from a doctor’s appointment a couple of weeks ago and she now hollers out all the time and really moans and wines. I know she can’t help it. I’m sure she really is in a lot of pain. I feel terrible but it gets on my nerves so bad I can barely handle it. It’s only going to get worse, much worse. Sometimes I really wish I could just run away. Some days I imagine leaving everything and everyone behind and starting over somewhere far away. Changing everything about myself; looks, attitude, job, priorities, etc. I feel very lonely lately and I struggle to find joy and purpose in my life.