Rhetoric & Technical Communication
Rhetoric & Technical Communication
Toscano, Aaron, Ph.D., Associate Professor, Dept. of English

Resources and Daily Activities

  • Conference Presentations
    • PCA/ACA Conference Presentation 2022
    • PCAS/ACAS Presentation 2021
    • SEACS 2021 Presentation
    • SEACS 2022 Presentation
    • SEACS 2023 Presentation
    • South Atlantic MLA Conference 2022
  • Dr. Toscano’s Homepage
  • ENGL 2116-014: Introduction to Technical Communication
    • February 13th: Introduction to User Design
    • February 15th: Instructions for Users
      • Making Résumés and Cover Letters More Effective
    • February 1st: Reflection on Workplace Messages
    • February 20th: The Rhetoric of Technology
    • February 22nd: Social Constructions of Technology
    • February 6th: Plain Language
    • January 11th: More Introduction to Class
    • January 18th: Audience & Purpose
    • January 23rd: Résumés and Cover Letters
      • Duty Format for Résumés
      • Peter Profit’s Cover Letter
    • January 25th: More on Résumés and Cover Letters
    • January 30th: Achieving a Readable Style
      • Euphemisms
      • Prose Practice for Next Class
      • Prose Revision Assignment
      • Revising Prose: Efficiency, Accuracy, and Good
      • Sentence Clarity
    • January 9th: Introduction to the Class
    • Major Assignments
    • March 13th: Introduction to Information Design
    • March 15th: More on Information Design
    • March 20th: Reporting Technical Information
    • March 27th: The Great I, Robot Analysis
  • ENGL 4182/5182: Information Design & Digital Publishing
    • August 21st: Introduction to the Course
      • Rhetorical Principles of Information Design
    • August 28th: Introduction to Information Design
      • Prejudice and Rhetoric
      • Robin Williams’s Principles of Design
    • Classmates Webpages (Fall 2017)
    • December 4th: Presentations
    • Major Assignments for ENGL 4182/5182 (Fall 2017)
    • November 13th: More on Color
      • Designing with Color
      • Important Images
    • November 20th: Extra-Textual Elements
    • November 27th: Presentation/Portfolio Workshop
    • November 6th: In Living Color
    • October 16th: Type Fever
      • Typography
    • October 23rd: More on Type
    • October 2nd: MIDTERM FUN!!!
    • October 30th: Working with Graphics
      • Beerknurd Calendar 2018
    • September 11th: Talking about Design without Using “Thingy”
      • Theory, theory, practice
    • September 18th: The Whole Document
    • September 25th: Page Design
  • ENGL 4183/5183: Editing with Digital Technologies
    • August 24th: Introduction to the Class
    • August 31st: Rhetoric, Words, and Composing
    • Major Assignments for ENGL 4183/5183 (Fall 2022)
      • Rhetoric of Fear
    • November 16th: Voice and Other Nebulous Writing Terms
      • Finding Dominant Rhetorical Appeals
    • November 2nd: Rhetorical Effects of Punctuation
    • November 30th: Words and Word Classes
    • November 9th: Cohesive Rhythm
    • October 12th: Choosing Adjectivals
    • October 19th: Choosing Nominals
    • October 26th: Stylistic Variations
    • October 5th: Midterm Exam
    • September 14th: Verb is the Word!
    • September 21st: Coordination and Subordination
    • September 28th: Form and Function
    • September 7th: Sentence Patterns
  • ENGL 4275: Rhetoric of Technology
    • April 13th: Authorities in Science and Technology
    • April 15th: Articles on Violence in Video Games
    • April 20th: Presentations
    • April 6th: Technology in the home
    • April 8th: Writing Discussion
    • Assignments for ENGL 4275
    • February 10th: Religion of Technology Part 3 of 3
    • February 12th: Is Love a Technology?
    • February 17th: Technology and Gender
    • February 19th: Technology and Expediency
    • February 24th: Semester Review
    • February 3rd: Religion of Technology Part 1 of 3
    • February 5th: Religion of Technology Part 2 of 3
    • January 13th: Technology and Meaning, a Humanist perspective
    • January 15th: Technology and Democracy
    • January 22nd: The Politics of Technology
    • January 27th: Discussion on Writing as Thinking
    • January 29th: Technology and Postmodernism
    • January 8th: Introduction to the Course
    • March 11th: Writing and Other Fun
    • March 16th: Neuromancer (1984) Day 1 of 2
    • March 18th: Neuromancer (1984) Day 2 of 2
    • March 23rd: Inception (2010)
    • March 25th: Writing and Reflecting Discussion
    • March 30th & April 1st: Count Zero
    • March 9th: William Gibson’s Neuromancer (1984)
  • ENGL 6166: Rhetorical Theory
    • April 12th: Knoblauch. Ch. 4 and Ch. 5
    • April 19th: Jacques Derrida’s Positions
    • April 26th:  Feminisms and Rhetorics
    • April 5th: Knoblauch. Ch. 3 and More Constitutive Rhetoric
    • February 15th: Isocrates (Part 2)
    • February 1st: Aristotle’s On Rhetoric Books 2 & 3
      • Aristotle’s On Rhetoric, Book 2
      • Aristotle’s On Rhetoric, Book 3
    • February 22nd: St. Augustine’s On Christian Doctrine [Rhetoric]
    • February 8th: Isocrates (Part 1)-2nd Half of Class
    • January 11th: Introduction to Class
    • January 18th: Plato’s Phaedrus
    • January 25th: Aristotle’s On Rhetoric Book 1
    • March 15th: Descartes, Rene, Discourse on Method
    • March 1st: Knoblauch. Ch. 1 and 2
    • March 22nd: Mary Wollstonecraft
    • March 29th: Second Wave Feminist Rhetoric
    • May 3rd: Knoblauch. Ch. 6, 7, and “Afterword”
    • Rhetorical Theory Assignments
  • ENGL/COMM/WRDS: The Rhetoric of Fear
    • February 14th: Fascism and Other Valentine’s Day Atrocities
    • February 21st: Fascism Part 2
    • February 7th: Fallacies Part 3 and American Politics Part 2
    • January 10th: Introduction to the Class
    • January 17th: Scapegoats & Conspiracies
    • January 24th: The Rhetoric of Fear and Fallacies Part 1
    • January 31st: Fallacies Part 2 and American Politics Part 1
    • Major Assignments
    • March 7th: Fascism Part 3
  • LBST 2212-124, 125, 126, & 127
    • August 21st: Introduction to Class
    • August 23rd: Humanistic Approach to Science Fiction
    • August 26th: Robots and Zombies
    • August 28th: Futurism, an Introduction
    • August 30th: R. A. Lafferty “Slow Tuesday Night” (1965)
    • December 2nd: Technological Augmentation
    • December 4th: Posthumanism
    • November 11th: Salt Fish Girl (Week 2)
    • November 13th: Salt Fish Girl (Week 2 con’t)
    • November 18th: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Part 1)
      • More Questions than Answers
    • November 1st: Games Reality Plays (part II)
    • November 20th: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Part 2)
    • November 6th: Salt Fish Girl (Week 1)
    • October 14th: More Autonomous Fun
    • October 16th: Autonomous Conclusion
    • October 21st: Sci Fi in the Domestic Sphere
    • October 23rd: Social Aphasia
    • October 25th: Dust in the Wind
    • October 28th: Gender Liminality and Roles
    • October 2nd: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
    • October 30th: Games Reality Plays (part I)
    • October 9th: Approaching Autonomous
      • Analyzing Prose in Autonomous
    • September 11th: The Time Machine
    • September 16th: The Alien Other
    • September 18th: Post-apocalyptic Worlds
    • September 20th: Dystopian Visions
    • September 23rd: World’s Beyond
    • September 25th: Gender Studies and Science Fiction
    • September 30th: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
    • September 4th: Science Fiction and Social Breakdown
      • More on Ellison
      • More on Forster
    • September 9th: The Time Machine
  • LBST 2213-110: Science, Technology, and Society
    • August 22nd: Science and Technology from a Humanistic Perspective
    • August 24th: Science and Technology, a Humanistic Approach
    • August 29th: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem (Science), Ch. 2
    • August 31st: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem (Science), Ch. 3 and 4
    • December 5th: Video Games and Violence, a more nuanced view
    • November 14th: Boulle, Pierre. Planet of the Apes. (1964) Ch. 27-end
    • November 16th: Shelley, Mary. Frankenstein. 1818. Preface-Ch. 8
    • November 21st: Shelley, Mary. Frankenstein. 1818. Ch. 9-Ch. 16
    • November 28th: Shelley, Mary. Frankenstein. Ch. 17-Ch. 24
    • November 30th: Violence in Video Games
    • November 7th: Boulle, Pierre. Planet of the Apes Ch. 1-17
    • November 9th: Boulle, Pierre. Planet of the Apes, Ch. 18-26
    • October 12th: Lies Economics Tells
    • October 17th: Brief Histories of Medicine, Salerno, and Galen
    • October 19th: Politicizing Science and Medicine
    • October 24th: COVID-19 Facial Covering Rhetoric
    • October 26th: Wells, H. G. Time Machine. Ch. 1-5
    • October 31st: Wells, H. G. The Time Machine Ch. 6-The End
    • October 3rd: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem at Large (Technology), Ch. 7 and Conclusion
    • September 12th: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem (Science), Ch. 7 and Conclusion
    • September 19th: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem at Large (Technology), Prefaces and Ch. 1
    • September 26th: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem at Large (Technology), Ch. 2
    • September 28th: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem at Large (Technology), Ch. 5 and 6
    • September 7th: Collins & Pinch’s The Golem (Science), Ch. 5 and 6
  • New Media: Gender, Culture, Technology (Spring 2021)
    • April 13th: Virtually ‘Real’ Environments
    • April 20th: Rhetoric/Composition Defines New Media
    • April 27th: Sub/Cultural Politics, Hegemony, and Agency
    • April 6th: Capitalist Realism
    • February 16: Misunderstanding the Internet
    • February 23rd: Our Public Sphere and the Media
    • February 2nd: Introduction to Cultural Studies
    • January 26th: Introduction to New Media
    • Major Assignments for New Media (Spring 2021)
    • March 16th: Identity Politics
    • March 23rd: Social Construction of Gender and Sexuality
    • March 2nd: Foundational Thinkers in Cultural Studies
    • March 30th: Hyperreality
    • March 9th: Globalization & Postmodernism
    • May 4th: Wrapping Up The Semester
      • Jodi Dean “The The Illusion of Democracy” & “Communicative Capitalism”
      • Social Construction of Sexuality
  • Science Fiction in American Culture (Summer I–2020)
    • Assignments for Science Fiction in American Culture
    • Cultural Studies and Science Fiction Films
    • June 10th: Interstellar and Exploration themes
    • June 11th: Bicentennial Man
    • June 15th: I’m Only Human…Or am I?
    • June 16th: Wall-E and Environment
    • June 17th: Wall-E (2008) and Technology
    • June 18th: Interactivity in Video Games
    • June 1st: Firefly (2002) and Myth
    • June 2nd: “Johnny Mnemonic”
    • June 3rd: “New Rose Hotel”
    • June 4th: “Burning Chrome”
    • June 8th: Conformity and Monotony
    • June 9th: Cultural Constructions of Beauty
    • May 18th: Introduction to Class
    • May 19th: American Culture, an Introduction
    • May 20th: The Matrix
    • May 21st: Gender and Science Fiction
    • May 25th: Goals for I, Robot
    • May 26th: Isaac Asimov’s I, Robot
    • May 27th: Hackers and Slackers
    • May 30th: Inception
  • Teaching Portfolio
  • Topics for Analysis
    • A Practical Editing Situation
    • American Culture, an Introduction
    • Efficiency in Writing Reviews
    • Feminism, An Introduction
    • Fordism/Taylorism
    • Frankenstein Part I
    • Frankenstein Part II
    • Futurism Introduction
    • How to Lie with Statistics
    • Isaac Asimov’s “A Cult of Ignorance”
    • Langdon Winner Summary: The Politics of Technology
    • Marxist Theory (cultural analysis)
    • Oral Presentations
    • Oratory and Argument Analysis
    • Our Public Sphere
    • Postmodernism Introduction
    • Protesting Confederate Place
    • Punctuation Refresher
    • QT, the Existential Robot
    • Religion of Technology Discussion
    • Rhetoric, an Introduction
      • Analyzing the Culture of Technical Writer Ads
      • Rhetoric of Technology
      • Visual Culture
      • Visual Perception
      • Visual Perception, Culture, and Rhetoric
      • Visual Rhetoric
      • Visuals for Technical Communication
      • World War I Propaganda
    • The Great I, Robot Discussion
      • I, Robot Short Essay Topics
    • The Rhetoric of Video Games: A Cultural Perspective
      • Civilization, an Analysis
    • The Sopranos
    • Why Science Fiction?
    • Zombies and Consumption Satire
  • Video Games & American Culture
    • April 14th: Phallocentrism
    • April 21st: Video Games and Neoliberalism
    • April 7th: Video Games and Conquest
    • Assignments for Video Games & American Culture
    • February 10th: Aesthetics and Culture
    • February 17th: Narrative and Catharsis
    • February 24th: Serious Games
    • February 3rd: More History of Video Games
    • January 13th: Introduction to the course
    • January 20th: Introduction to Video Game Studies
    • January 27th: Games & Culture
      • Marxism for Video Game Analysis
      • Postmodernism for Video Game Analysis
    • March 24th: Realism, Interpretation(s), and Meaning Making
    • March 31st: Feminist Perspectives and Politics
    • March 3rd: Risky Business?

Contact Me

Office: Fretwell 255F
Email: atoscano@uncc.edu
ENGL 2116-014: Introduction to Technical Communication » January 30th: Achieving a Readable Style » Revising Prose: Efficiency, Accuracy, and Good

Revising Prose: Efficiency, Accuracy, and Good

Excess Language

Remember, these lessons and activities assume you’ve read the supplemental Revising Prose reading (pdf).

As you already know, plain language is language that isn’t overly affected or ornate but simple. Below are some guidelines for reviving slow, dull, confusing, inactive sentences:

  1. Use Active Voice
  2. Limit Prepositional Phrases
  3. Get to the Point
  4. Limit to be Verb Forms
  5. Avoid Nominalizations

Although I would love to spend the entire semester just looking at sentences, time will not permit it. However, I do encourage those of you who wish to improve your communication further to check out Richard Lanham’s Revising Prose or a host of other style books that discuss more than grammar for revising one’s writing.

Style Books for Further Reading

In the arbitrary order of reader commitment necessary—least to greatest:

  • Strunk, William Jr. and E.B. White. The Elements of Style. New York: MacMillan (various editions).
  • Richardson, Peter. Style: A Pragmatic Approach. 2nd ed. New York: Longman. 2002.
  • Zinsser, William. On Writing Well. New York: Harper (various editions).
  • Williams, Joseph M. Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace. New York: Longman (various editions).
  • Corbett, Edward P. J. and Robert J. Connors. Style and Statement. New York: Oxford UP. 1999.
  • Kolln, Martha and Gray, Loretta S. Rhetorical Grammar: Grammatical Choices, Rhetorical Effects. New York: Allyn and Bacon (various editions).
    • I use this book in ENGL 4183 “Editing with Digital Technologies.”

Note: The above books assume that you, the writer, have some sophistication in Standard Edited American English. These are not handbooks like the late Diana Hacker’s guide A Writer’s Reference that discuss some style issues but are predominantly grammar/spelling/usage rulebooks.

Additionally, employing the strategies from the above books doesn’t exactly mean “better writing.” You can’t think of writing or effective communication as something that happens in a vacuum; you must consider context, audience, and purpose. There is no secret code to writing. Although we have rules, they are meaningless if one’s communication is irrelevant.


Here are a few sentences to get us going. If it helps you, copy and paste the sentences in MS Word. Before you start revising, though, you need to make sure you know what the sentence is communicating. Figure that out first, and then revise. Knowing what it means will guide your revision and keep you from getting rid of necessary information.

1. “I have reason to believe that there is a continuing presence of terrorists in this country.”

Revision:

  • Basically, this sentence is communicating that terrorists are in the United States.
  • Look for the long, unnecessary introduction
    • “I have reason to believe” is unnecessary. If you state it, we can assume you believe it.
    • Also, if you insist on claiming you believe, just say “I believe” instead of adding “have reason to,” which is less efficient.
  • Identify the prepositions
    • Only “of” and “in” are prepositions.
    • The “to” in the sentence is the infinitive particle for “to believe,” and it isn’t a preposition in this sentence.
    • Yes, words can be in different parts of speech, so “to” may be a preposition (it often is) in one sentence or an infinitive particle in another sentence (like the one above).
  • Identify forms of to be
    • This sentence only has one form of be: “is.”
  • Find inactive verbs or nouns that could be action verbs
    • Not too much to change here, and, although a goal is to limit “to be” verbs, you shouldn’t worry about getting rid of all “to be” verbs.
    • Below, I have a revision suggestion that uses the “to be” verb are.

Revision #1: I believe terrorists are among us.
Revision #2: Terrorists are here!

Those above revisions are much more to the point. Consider the context of this coming from the former US Attorney General John Ashcroft days after 9/11. It would make sense to get his point across by emphatically stating “terrorists live here!”


2. “It is my belief that criminal charges were brought up based upon affidavits that were delivered to the Attorney General’s Office by the law enforcement agency that was charged to apprehend possible suspects.” –former US Attorney General John Ashcroft
(33 words)

Let’s see that again:

  • It is my belief
  • that criminal charges
  • were brought up
  • based upon affidavits
  • that were delivered to the Attorney General’s Office
  • by the law enforcement agency
  • that was charged to apprehend possible suspects.

This isn’t too bad, but it’s definitely long winded. First thing, what is he trying to communicate? Well, this is confusing, but I think he’s trying to claim that a law enforcement agency has warrants to arrest suspects. Remember, this is a politician, and, as I learned from someone who knew him (confidential source from nearly 20 years ago), he liked to use big words to sound elevated. In this instance, he seems to only want to mention his office–the Attorney General’s Office–and no other office or agency by name. That’s not appropriate professional communication.

Revision:

  • Long, unnecessary introduction:
    • “It is my belief…” is unnecessary, and, frankly, ridiculous because Ashcroft IS the Attorney General, the head of the Justice Department. He should know.
    • Also, this desperately needs to be active voice. Who’s the agent in the sentence? Ashcroft? Affidavits? The Attorney General’s Office? A Law Enforcement Agency?
    • Not having the agent in the subject spot muddles this sentence.
  • Identify the prepositions
    • The prepositions are “upon,” “to,” and “by.”
    • The “up” in brought up isn’t a preposition in this case; it’s a verb particle. Also, the “to” in to apprehend in another infinitive particle.
    • Remember, the goal is to limit prepositions, so don’t feel you have to get rid of ALL of them. In this sentence, “upon” and “to” seem ok. However, “by” moves the agent into the object spot: by the law enforcement agency.
  • Identify forms of to be
    • This sentence has several forms of be: “is,” “were,” “were”, and “was.”
    • We’ll cut a few of those.
  • Find inactive verbs or nouns that could be action verbs
    • Once we figure out what the sentence is trying to say, we can choose better verbs.
    • The revision below considers the most important thing to communicate isn’t the legal mechanisms needed to have courts approve arrests; instead, it’s to communicate that the feds are looking for suspects.

Revision #1: The FBI notified me that they are pursuing possible suspects. (10 words–more than two-thirds reduced)
Revision #2a: The FBI brought criminal charges against possible suspects. (8 words–reduced to one-forth the original length)
Revision #2b: The FBI informed my office through affidavits that they brought criminal charges against possible suspects. (15 words–still, it’s less than half the original length of 33 words.

We could get into nitpicky arguments about whether “me” or “my office” is too informal for the occasion. Rhetorically, there is weight behind the phrase “the Attorney General’s Office,” but Ashcroft is the Attorney General, so it sounds pompous to use the office. Also, is this post-9/11 moment, it would be better to show the country that someone’s in charge and in the know as opposed to the original sentence that seems to deflect any sense of responsibility.

If it sounds like a politician’s phrasing, it’s most likely not appropriate fro professional writing.


Remember, sentences in the real world usually come in context with other sentences. These guidelines are no exception for common sense or audience-specific requirements. Contextual factors will govern your writing decisions more than any rules (no matter how good the rules may be).

Perhaps you should redo the sentences for practice. They might have scared you at first, but examining them will also encourage you not to “dress up” your words unnecessarily.

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