REVIEW #2 is due tonight before our 6:00 pm class. See Canvas for more details.

Plan for the Day

• Submit REVIEW #2 on Canvas
• Review Ch. 7
• Prose Revision Examples
• Exam #2 on Canvas Next Week–10/25
  • We won’t meet in Canvas
• Prose Revision Assignment Due Nov. 1st

What about That That?

Last week I asked you to think about the “that” in the first sentence from Exercise #23 (p. 107). Pay close attention to the definition(s) of maintain. Maybe we’ll hold off on this until we get to the section “Nominal Clauses” (pp. 119-121) below. What’s the appositive in that previous sentence?

1) Many coal miners who work in West Virginia refused to approve two sections of the contract offered by management. They maintain that the sections covering wages and safety represent no improvement over their present contract, which expires on Friday at midnight.

Compare to this sentence:

• The history professor acknowledges Napoleon’s campaign into Russia was a strategic blunder.

Ch. 7 Choosing Nominals

We’ve briefly covered appositives, and they’re great choices for efficiently adding information to your sentences. Try your best to combine shorter sentences by using appositives. For instance, notice the efficiency in the following revision:

• Original: Dr. Grabchak is a specialist in probability theory. His expertise is internationally recognized. His PhD from Cornell University in New York is in statistics.
• Revision: Dr. Grabchak, an internationally recognized scholar in probability theory, received his PhD in Statistics from Cornell University in New York.*
  *I don’t think you need to add “in New York” for a university as well known as Cornell.
  Is it a well-known university?

The revision is more efficient, but let’s think about it in terms of written vs spoken. How often do you speak in phrases you’d contain in dashes? Probably not a lot of times, but, when you do, you often speak quickly—adding the information rapidly for your audience. On the other hand, using parentheses makes the appositive seem to be more of an aside. How would you say the following sentences? Read them aloud.

• Dr. Grabchak—an internationally recognized scholar in probability theory—received his PhD in Statistics from Cornell University.
• Dr. Grabchak, an internationally recognized scholar in probability theory, received his PhD in Statistics from Cornell University.
• Dr. Grabchak (an internationally recognized scholar in probability theory) received his PhD in Statistics from Cornell University.

It’s subtle, but there is a difference in delivery. Dashes are for signaling something quickly, and parentheses convey information in a muted fashion.

Below is the same situation as above. Check out the Group Discussion on page 112 for this sentence. I’ve highlight the revision to show the changes:

• Original: The Lost Colony is an outdoor symphonic drama that tells the story of the British settlement on Roanoke Island. It has been performed in Manteo, North Carolina, every summer since 1937.
• Revision: The Lost Colony, is an outdoor symphonic drama that tells the story of the British settlement on Roanoke Island, It has been performed in Manteo, North Carolina, every summer since 1937.

Interestingly, I used the “strikethrough” HTML command to show what I removed, and it looks like dashes. You could also write the sentence this way:

• The Lost Colony—an outdoor symphonic drama that tells the story of the British settlement on Roanoke Island—has been performed in Manteo, North Carolina, every summer since 1937.

By the way, notice that the play’s title—as is the case for film, book, album, and TV show titles—is italicized. Barrett’s Perfect English Grammar has more information on formatting titles, but follow your style guide’s standards.

Colons and Dashes with Appositives

As I’ve mentioned before, I love using dashes. My dissertation director hounded me about using too many dashes, which she considered my overusing them, because she claimed I was taking the easy way out of considering higher-level punctuation strategies. I agree with her—but I love using them! Generally, the rhetorical effect of dashes is to emphasize an aside quickly and forcefully as opposed to using commas that would soften the phrase. Use them sparingly for better effect. The first example below uses dashes effectively, but the second example should use a colon instead:

• Nicolas Cage—an actor more prolific than Kevin Bacon—is quite hated in New Orleans.
• Various ethnic groups make up the unique flavor of New Orleans—people of French descent, whose lineages date back over 300 years; people of Caribbean descent, whose traditions make Cajun cuisine amazing; and Americans, whose laws forced different groups to coexist side by side.
  • Better choice: Various ethnic groups make up the unique flavor of New Orleans: people of French descent, whose lineages date back over 300 years; people of Caribbean descent, whose traditions make Cajun cuisine amazing; and Americans, whose laws forced different groups to coexist side by side.
  • Setting off a large amount of text with a dash isn’t effective—save them for shorter phrases and clauses!
  • Also, the above sentence isn’t the entire story of New Orleans, but I needed to conform to our expected series of three items. Is the sentence parallel? Why or why not?

Colons can be used to separate any independent clause, but you shouldn’t use them interchangeably with periods: use them to communicate “something’s about to come.” I use them to introduce long-ish quotations or long lists. For instance, here are examples from Video Games and American Culture:

• Additionally, they use a rhetoric of fear tactic to attempt to signal to readers that even consuming a small percentage of violent media can harm audiences: “because so many people are exposed to violent media, the effect on society can be immense even if only a small percentage of viewers are affected by them. It takes only one or two affected students to wreak murderous havoc in a school.” (pp. 49-50)
  • Note 41: Bushman & Anderson, “Media Violence,” 482. {the book used The Chicago Manual of Style guidelines}
• Consider the following examples that valorize competition: sports, dating shows, and reality TV challenges. (p. 126)
• Anecdotally, veteran students I have taught discuss playing video games (many hours in fact) as they transition from military to civilian life. This specific group highlights the nuance in taste for, specifically, violent video games: some love the immersive violence, others will not watch or play simulated violent entertainment, and others may watch simulated violence but avoid immersing themselves in violent video game worlds. (p. 127)

Some might consider my using “anecdotally” in the sentence above improper because there could be some confusion about what it modifies. For instance, does it mean that veteran students provided me anecdotes? Did veteran students provide these stories anecdotally? I’m actually talking directly to the reader and saying I have anecdotal evidence to share—evidence not gathered in any systematic, statistically sound way. How is the reader to know? Well, my sarcasm oozes throughout the book, so, if they don’t catch my talking to them in the above sentence, then I don’t know what to do. Our goal is to make things clear for the reader: that’s the overall goal of technical communication. No one dies reading “anecdotally” as correct or not. However, it does identify who’s a sophisticated reader or not. (See what I mean about sarcasm?)

The Sentence Appositive

This phrase is not a sentence; instead, it refers or renames the entire gist of the sentence. These are quite effective at the ends of paragraphs. Notice the chills you get from finishing a paragraph like the following:

• My teaching, service, and research interests all culminate into a single, overarching focus—rhetoric.

Ok, maybe you didn’t get chills, but such a sentence as the final one in a paragraph should give the audience the idea that the writer privileges the discipline of rhetoric above all others. Or no discipline captures his interest more than rhetoric. You could also use a colon, but there’s something cool about using a dash to set off one word. I prefer to use colons to set off a series or a full independent clause. (Notice I’m stating a preference as opposed to laying down a rule…think about style moving forward)

Gerunds

Typically, -ing words signify the present progressive verb form: they refer to actions currently happening or ongoing (the present progressive tense). For instance, “I am running late” conveys you are late right now! A gerund, however, is a noun with -ing. Therefore, in the sentence “Running is my favorite activity,” “running” is the subject, a noun.

In this chapter, Kolln & Gray focus on gerund phrases. Gerunds are quite versatile and can “fill all the sentence positions usually occupied by noun phrases” (p. 116). These are different from participial phrases that are verbs (or verbals). The examples on p. 116 demonstrate the difference.

The following is sentence #8 from Exercise #26 (p. 119).

• 8. The baby’s crying upset the rest of the rest of the passengers.

“The baby’s crying” is the gerund in the possessive case. Think about it. Many things a baby has could be annoying: The baby’s parents, The baby’s stroller, The baby’s toys…In this sentence, “crying” is a noun. Also, the ‘s shows possession and isn’t a contraction for “baby is.”

Consider the meaning changes in the following sentences:

• The baby cried. It upset the rest of the passengers. (“cried” is the verb)
• The crying baby upset the rest of the passengers. (“crying” modifies “baby” in this case, making it an adjective)
• The baby, crying on the airplane, upset the rest of the passengers. (“crying on the airplane” is a participial phrase)

Nominal Clauses

Nominal clauses introduced by “that” are quite common, and the “that” may be removed usually. Other nominalizers include why, who, and what.

In the end, it is more important to know how to use nominals (and all the phrases and clauses we discuss) to vary your sentences and be more concise. Knowing the names of different types of phrases and clauses is helpful, but using them effectively is why we’re covering them.

Nominals as Delayed Subjects (pp. 121-122)

This section is about “that clauses functioning as subjects” (p. 121). Kolln & Gray claim there’s a formal quality to these, and, while I agree, I think it’s subtle, but I’d rather focus more on the rhetorical effect and meaning changes of one of their sentences by using different nominal clauses:

Example: That Marie dropped out of school was a shock to us all.

• Revision: Marie dropping out of school was a shock to us all.
  Marie dropping out of school shocked to us all.
• Revision: Marie’s dropping out of school was a shock to us all.
  Marie’s dropping out of school shocked to us all.
• Revision: Marie shocked us all by dropping out of school.
• Revision: To drop out of school, Marie shocked to us all. {This is a terrible sentence. Why?}

Prose Revision Examples

Now that you’ve spent a lot of time reading about phrases, clauses, passive voice, parallelism, etc., you should be able to combine those skills to make your prose sing. Of course, remember the first goal of all editing/revision: what are these words trying to communicate? As you already know, plain language is language that isn’t overly affected or ornate but simple. Below are some guidelines for reviving slow, dull, confusing, inactive sentences:

1. Use Active Voice
2. Limit Prepositional Phrases
3. Get to the Point
4. Limit to be Verb Forms
5. Avoid Nominalizations

Practice Sentences

• The bond markets are in disbelief of the ability of First world countries to maintain this level of debt. (19 words)
• The financial sector of the Charlotte economy mirrors the overall health of the economy as a whole. (17 words, reduce to 6)
• Growth in these two segments are predicted to increase due to the surge of development in the north side of town. (21 words, reduce to 9 or 8)
• This divided direction caused a degree of confusion on my part as to the type and extent of response required. (20 words, reduce to 11 and 5*)

*Hint for the last one: Consider creating two sentences (or two independent clauses) for the two main actions; then, determine whether or not you need both sentences (or clauses).

Sentences with More Context

Consider the context of this coming from the former US Attorney General John Ashcroft days after 9/11.

1. “I have reason to believe that there is a continuing presence of terrorists in this country.”

2. “It is my belief that criminal charges were brought up based upon affidavits that were delivered to the Attorney General’s Office by the law enforcement agency that was charged to apprehend possible suspects.” –former US Attorney General John Ashcroft
(33 words)

Let’s see that again:

• It is my belief
• that criminal charges
• were brought up
• based upon affidavits
• that were delivered to the Attorney General’s Office
• by the law enforcement agency
• that was charged to apprehend possible suspects.

Remember, sentences in the real world usually come in context with other sentences. These guidelines are no exception for common sense or audience-specific requirements. Contextual factors will govern your writing decisions more than any rules (no matter how good the rules may be).

Preview Exam #2

You need to make sure you can properly punctuate sentences based on Kolln & Gray and Barrett. Specifically, review coordinating conjunctions, correlative conjunctions, and conjunctive adverbs. I will ask you to punctuate compound and complex sentences with subordinating clauses, so review how to combine independent clauses using a conjunctive adverbs (p. 58):

• The union and management could not come to an agreement before the deadline. They will meet again in the morning.
• Revision: The union and management could not come to an agreement before the deadline; however, they will meet again in the morning.

You don’t have to identify sentence patterns on Exam #2, but p. 24 helps reinforce your understanding of Direct and Indirect Objects. You will also need to know how to punctuate sentences with subordinate clauses:

• Running over the bottle Tom ruined his tires.
• After graduating from college Brianna moved to New York City.
  • Brianna moved to New York City after graduating from college.
• Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
  • Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk.

Finally, make sure you know how to revise sentences for concision, including in the following ways:

• revise passive to active voice
• make series parallel
• limit to be verbs
• free verbs trapped in nominalizations
• get to the point.

Prose Revision Assignment

In two weeks (11/01), you’ll have a Prose Revision assignment due, and the goal is to make the prose more readable, more efficient. Just remember not to change the original meaning of the text. This won’t be a Portfolio Assignment that you revise–you get one shot at it. There are three paragraphs on the Assignments Page with specific instructions. Your goal is to make them more readable, more efficient. Just remember not to change the original meaning of the paragraph.

Use the efficiency techniques we’ve discussed this semester, but don’t change the intended meaning of the original text. Before you start revising, make sure you slow down and figure out what the original sentence means. These paragraphs have multiple sentences, so you have more context than if I had a series of unrelated individual sentences. Your revisions will have a variety of effective possibilities, but don’t change the intended meaning of the original. Pay close attention to cause and effect.

Next Week

We won’t meet in class next week, so I’ll see you back in class on 11/01. Keep following the syllabus reading schedule. Read Ch. 8 in Rhetorical Grammar and Ch. 13, 14, & 15 in Perfect English Grammar. Remember, Perfect English Grammar is more of a supplemental text to help mainly with grammar rules and some style concerns. You do have to read it, but I won’t have many specific lessons from that book. Of course, it’s fair game for the Exams.

REVIEW #2 is due tonight by 6:00 pm.
Also, don’t forget that your Prose Revision Assignment is due in two weeks (11/01).